Skype (and the Internet)

A brilliant method of communication that allows people to use the internet to make phone calls to any phone in the world. But by internet, I hardly mean the thing that gives you web pages in Siberia—we might call that the outernet (you heard it here first) because it’s quite outside the lightning-fast kind of information superhighway (don’t steal that one either) to which us neophytes are addicted. In fact, I am convinced that not only does this internet not use light or even sound, but rather an arduous system of goats and nerpas who ferry the data to and fro in their mouths. This explains why every time I try to talk to someone on Skype, they don’t respond to the thing I said for minutes, and sometimes they never respond. At other times, they sound like robots, which is scary because maybe they actually are.